During my post mastectomy follow-up visit, my surgeon said we had really good margins, meaning big mamma was 1-2 millimeters from my skin (apparently that was a good margin). Although the surgery was successful, radiation therapy was still recommended. She proceeded to tell me that no mastectomy is perfect and that there could be cancer cells left behind. The solution, and best way to be sure any remaining cancer cells were eradicated, would be through radiation therapy.
The thought of radiation made me want to vomit. I had done it a few years earlier on my spine and rib (see posts from 2011 Radiation and Pictures...finally) and it was not a pleasant experience. However, I didn't want to deal with another tumor, so I bit the bullet. (little did I know I would do it again in Oct 2017 for another mass)
The preparation plan goes like this: mapping, tattoo's, radiation.
During the mapping you are lying on a table (gown open) as the team takes images and makes markings all over your skin in preparation for the tattoos. The reason they use tattoos is for accuracy. They want to line you up exactly so they can radiate the same spot each time, and since most radiation treatments are over several weeks, they need a marking that is durable. For those of you who have tattoos, you know how painful it can be, and even though mine were little pin pricks I wouldn't recommend a tattoo to anyone! However, I wasn't nervous about the tattoos, I was anxious about was the 25 treatments over 1.5 months, the nausea, fatigue and burned skin. The treatment itself was quick and painless, usually less than 5 minutes, it was the side effects that got me down.
Radiation works, or at least it has for me, but it has been the most miserable treatment. No matter where on my body I am being treated, all of my insides feel like they are being microwaved. In fact, I feel a little nauseated just thinking about it. Once during treatment, I met with my radiation oncologist and mentioned my stomach had been bothering me. His first question was, "Do you have the flu?" They didn't believe that my stomach would be upset from radiation in the breast, er, where the breast used to be. Anti nausea didn't work, or at least for more than an hour or so. I always had to have something in my stomach, but if I really wasn't feeling well, I had to make sure I was eating food that wouldn't be so bad coming up. On top of the flu like symptoms, my skin burned severely. They gave me ointment that is only given to burn victims and some semi adhesive foam pads to put over the burned areas to keep it from rubbing against anything. Can you believe I agreed to this? Sometimes I question myself, but in the long run I have to remind myself that radiation works, at least for me.
Any time doctors give you a prescription or treatment plan, they explain the possible side effects. I had all of the most common side effects for radiation, and they hit me hard. Apparently being a young female increases the chances of side effects of most of the treatments I have had. So I have to remind myself that I am young and have a strong body. I have been able to endure many treatments that an older woman wouldn't have tolerated, and I am still here to tell the story. In fact, I had my one year follow up from radiation this week and everything looks good. I have healed well and I don't need anymore follow ups.
I have a lot to be grateful for, it is just remembering those blessings when I feel discouraged. Yes, just like everyone reading this, I get discouraged at times. But it does no good to dwell on those feelings. We can ask God "Why me?!" all day long, but that is not going to change our circumstances or give us comfort (trust me, I have tried). Radiation therapy was a rocky road all 3 times, but it took away my pain and allowed me to continue to live and breathe in a world full of laughter, love, beauty and light. There are so many sweet things in life but sometimes to appreciate it, we need to experience some of the bitter. Cancer is my "bitter," but I am grateful for it because without it, I wouldn't appreciate all the little sweet things. I appreciate all the conversations I had in the waiting room with all the other women doing radiation. I appreciate the fact that I don't always feel like I am on the verge of throwing up and have more empathy for people who do. I appreciate that my body was healed from being severely burned and that I don't wince every time something rubs on my skin. I appreciate that my energy level has been restored enough for me to work full time again. I could keep going, but you get the idea.
I would love to hear from you, what is your "bitter" and how and why are you grateful for it?
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