Pictures...finally

This was taken the same day I found out I had cancer, November 16, also Tim's birthday.  After his classes in the morning and my appointment, we spent the day together.  We went to lunch and then up the canyon.  Isn't this picture beautiful?  I realized more strongly that day that we are surrounded by beauty, all we have to do is open our eyes.

"The Leon Trio" 

My awesome quartet at our final chamber music recital.  This was just after I found out about cancer. We had a blast this last semester, thank you BARTOK! We rocked Bartok's string quartet No. 2, II.  Support breast cancer by wearing bright pink high heels!

I was able to play the solo violin part for Brandenburg Concerto No. 4 with the USU Chamber Orchestra.  This was my last hoorah because due to my health I was not able to play in the final orchestra concert or even audition for the concerto competition. Someone's watching out for me.

Tim and I. Can anyone guess where we are???

The giant kitchen aid I've been telling you all about. (I forgot to change the setting on my camera back to color after the last time I used it...oops.)

Me and Matt.  He was the radiation therapist who was there for every one of my treatments.

The machine...it moves.

And the final angle.

As of yesterday I am officially done with radiation, I even have certificate congratulating me, wahoooo.  I didn't like radiation much, but I did enjoy working with all the therapists/doctors/nurses, they were wonderful. Thanks!

I met with a surgeon yesterday about the placement of a port.  This surgery is quite routine and will occur on Monday January 9th.  It will last about 45 minutes and recovery shouldn't be too bad.  Basically what they do is place a device, about half the size of a golf ball connected to 8 inches of a thin rubber tube, under my skin about an inch below my collar bone on the left side.  The tube connects directly to a vein so when they poke me, yes with a needle, the drugs will go directly to my blood stream.  I am having deja vous, did I already explain all of this?  Can't remember, but it's fresh on my mind considering I got the official spiel from the surgeon himself.

So I get the port and hopefully that same week I will begin chemo.  It is routine to go directly from the surgery to the first chemo treatment.  Depending on what my chemo plan is I might end up doing that.  I'll keep you posted.

I hope you all have a great New Years Eve. I am just going to chill all night.  I also want to make new years resolutions.  I was going through some papers today and found all of my new years resolutions dating back to 2006.  It's amazing how repetitive my goals are, guess I should get to work and start accomplishing what I write down. Anyhow, hope you make some good goals for 2012!

Radiation

First off I want to apologize for being so slow to update you, I've been a little more distracted since Tim doesn't have class anymore...

I began radiation treatments Monday December 12. There are 14 treatments total which occur 5 days a week.  It's real quick though, I'm in and out in 30 minutes.  The coolest thing about radiation is that they gave me 5 tattoos! Wahooooo! They are the size and shape of a dot from a pen on my skin...some describe them as black freckles.  I will say that if I were a rebel I would have totally gotten a tattoo, but now I think that anyone who gets a tattoo is really stupid because it HURTS, especially on the ribs. Ouch. So it's not all fun and games, they give tattoos for alignment purposes.  There is one in between my breasts, one just above my belly button, one a few inches below my belly button and one on each side about at my waist.  Each treatment I lie on my back and they align my tattoos with red laser beams to make sure they don't zap something that doesn't need zappin'.  I only know that I am being radiated because I hear the machine rumble and a sign lights up on the wall that says, "Beam On." I feel the effects after, but every day is different.  This machine is a monster and looks like a supersize version of a kitchen aid.  That's the best way I have found to describe it. The radiation therapist's tell me that other patients have named it, one such being, "The Death Star," she was a trekkie. Basically it is a large powerful machine that takes a lot of energy to operate. They are treating the spots on my spine and rib in hopes that they can shrink...well in essence, kill all the cancer cells as to ease the pain I have been feeling in my lower back for the past few months before I begin chemotherapy.  That was a long sentence, but I'm not going to go back and edit it. Moving on.  The doctors and nurses went over all the symptoms I could potentially experience from radiation:
1.  Sunburned feeling in the specific areas
2.  Fatigue
3.  Nausea
The first week was not so fun, I felt sick to my stomach and most foods made me want to throw up, though I never actually did.  My mom was up here for my first treatment and then we went for Mexican food. Now if I think of authentic mexican I get an upset stomach.  Same goes for pot roast, which stinks because it was the first pot roast I ever made and I will say it was dang good!  I have been told this is how I will probably feel during chemotherapy.  Every day is a new adventure and I never know what will sound appetizing to me. Other than a change of appetite, I have felt tired.

I have not slept through a night in about 2 weeks because of the pain in my back.  Luckily they gave me a back brace to give extra support for my spine while I am going through radiation.  A major concern the doctors have right now, due to the the tumor on my spine, is that I could get a spinal cord injury which could cause numbness in my legs indefinitely.  At this point I am not too worried about that because my back has been feeling much better the past few days and I have been extra careful not to do anything strenuous.  I don't tell you this to worry you, but just to let you know what is going on.  Nonetheless, keep praying for me.

When I tell people about this, they always ask me if I take any medication for it.  The doctor gave me lortab (a fairly strong dose of it), which knocks me out but doesn't get rid of the shooting pain and I still wake up in a few times a night.  So I don't take that anymore. As for the nausea, I have zofran which does the job, for a little while.  I still really don't like taking drugs so I'm trying to hold off for as long as possible before I become a druggie due to chemo.

I have to chuckle to myself a little because as I was describing some of my symptoms to my sister, Lindsay, she just started laughing at me.  Seriously, how insensitive Linz ;)  I was telling her that  when I wake up in the middle of the night it is a slow and slightly painful process to roll over, I can't bend over and pick things up because of the brace but that I am getting good at squatting, I'm always really tired, I feel nauseated all of the time and a new addition is that I have weird cravings (The only things I wanted for two days were pringles and popped corn).  Sound familiar all you mommies out there?  Don't worry, I'm not pregnant...unless you consider the life-threatening tumors inside of me babies and my radiation therapists murderers, well mostly just Matt.

I met with my oncologist and he recommended having a port installed.  I had no idea what a port was until he described it to me.  It is a place where boats come and go.  They bring goods and ship things off.  Ok, that is a port but not the one I am talking about although it does something similar.  It is a device they will install under my skin (before the end of December?) near my collar bone that connects directly to a vein.  Instead of giving me an IV for every chemo treatment, a port is a more reliable means to get the drugs directly to my bloodstream.  They will still have to poke me with a stupid needle, but they won't miss and I won't look like I've shot up every two weeks :)  I have to say that I hate the idea of having something foreign under my skin! One reason I hate injections is because it is not natural to have something metal and sharp prick your skin however, soon enough I will have a device that lives in me. I will have it removed as soon as I can get away with! Sick!

What's next?  I finish radiation on December 31 then the following week is a freebee before I begin chemotherapy.  What am I going to do that week...what am I not going to do that week?!  I have officially decided that I am going to whack my hair off (typical Kelly move) and dye it super blonde.  I will still probably be in my back brace so I won't be able to do too much, but I'm going to have fun.  I still don't have many details regarding chemo, but I'll know soon enough and then tell you all.

I really love it when people send me cookies and chocolate. (That was Tim, he is reading over my shoulder and said he wanted to add something ;)

I wish you all a very merry Christmas.  My love and gratitude goes out to you all.  Thanks for all of your support and love, I can still feel your prayers very powerfully every day. Thank you!

Some Results

I have news!  Many of you have been asking me what is going on...this is because I have been a bit of a slacker and haven't updated you on the last few tests. We'll breeze through them so I can get to the results you have all been waiting for.

Mammogram-I won't go into detail.  It was not fun.  I was able to make friends with some of the ladies in the waiting room right after though.  I have a feeling that I am going to be making some more elderly friends through all of this considering my case is very rare and this usually happens to women above age 70.

MRI-Not as bad as people make it out to be.  From what I have heard from other people I thought I was going to be in a tube that was closed off on both ends with bright lights and loud noises.  Nope.  The tube was open on both ends and there were no bright lights, however there were very loud noises.  I am a pro at holding still through all these tests so that wasn't a problem.  I was quite focused on the rhythms of the sounds. Lets say if one sound was at metronome mark 160, the other sounded as if it were at 158.  They were so similar, but not quite on.  I couldn't figure it out.  A little frustrating if you ask me, but at least it helped the time pass quicker.

PET Scan-This was the most uncomfortable test for me thus far (minus all the stupid needles!) because I had to place my arms over my head which made them fall asleep.  Not the greatest position when you're supposed to hold still. hmmm. So you're probably wondering what in the world is a PET scan? I've already had a CAT scan, what's next, the DOG scan?  Well for your purposes, it is more sensitive than an MRI.  It has been explained to me a few times what exactly it is and does, but let's be honest all that scientific talk sometimes goes over my head.  They did find something in that test that I will go over in a minute.


After some tests I went in and met with my doctor to go over results.  I was informed that I have two more tumors, one on my lumbar spine and the other on my 11th rib on the right side.  What?!  I know!  Previously when I went in for the mammogram she did an ultrasound of my underarm to check for lymph nodes.  It came back negative. (If the lymph nodes are inflamed this is a sign that cancer has spread to other parts of the body).  I didn't think that it had spread elsewhere, then again I was also unaware that there were other means it can spread; through the blood.  Because of these other spots, and also the size of the tumor in my breast, the most recent diagnosis is stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Luckily my mom and both of my sisters were able to be there with me when I found out, and Tim came over as soon as he could.  As crazy as this may sound I wasn't very shocked.  I felt calm and collected in the doctors office, I had a clear mind and was able to ask questions and still be my normal self.  Of course this is not what I wanted to hear considering I thought it hadn't spread due to the negative test result on the lymph nodes, but I am ok with it.  Generally I tend to take a step back from any given situation and take into account the best and worst possible situations.  So far every time I get a test result back there is something else leading to the "worst" possible scenario.  The latests result came back today.  I found out that there is another spot near my lungs on the left side which was detected from the PET scan. No bueno.

Plan of action-There are still some tests to be done, but as of right now we are thinking radiation on the spots on my spine and rib. This will take about 3 weeks and I will probably do it in Logan.  Radiation is 5 times a week for about 10-15 minutes each.  After that, chemotherapy for 4-6 months. Blah.  I will go in for an infusion once every 2-3 weeks either in Logan or the Huntsman center, the location is still undecided as of now.  Sometime during the chemo, or after all the treatments, I will undergo a mastectomy and hopefully reconstruction immediately following.  After talking to a few people this seems to be the most logical solution, however it is still subject to change.

Am I surprised...not at all.  Am I ok, yes.  I know things are going to work out.  I don't think it is going to be a pretty road, but I have the faith that things will work out and I will survive this.  From the beginning I have felt peace about everything.  I don't want to talk much about this, but I really don't feel that this is my time to go.  I have never had any serious health problems in my life up until now, so I have a strong, young, healthy body to fight this off. And if that isn't enough, I'm just too darn stubborn and prideful to let cancer win (you can ask Tim about that...)!   I am happy and grateful to be alive.  I have found it is easier to be optimistic knowing that I have been diagnosed with this disease.  That sounds strange, but there are so many bad things I could be focusing on right now if I choose to.  I would rather focus on the little things that make me happy, like brainwashing my niece Scarlett that I am her favorite aunt, sitting in the living room with all the lights off except the christmas tree, being silly with my mom and sisters, cracking corny jokes, trying to get Tim to wear pink because it is the breast cancer color...I could go on.  The past three weeks have been difficult, don't get me wrong, but at the same time it has been so much easier to be happy because that is what I have been searching for.  I have been so focused on being happy that at times I forget I even have cancer.  On the other hand, as time passes the more I realize that this is going to be a tough road to travel.  I am still in the testing and meeting with doctor's phase and have not yet started treatments.  I am going to need these happy moments to fall back on when I am down and sick, I am going to need those guardian angels to keep me going, but most of all I will need our Savior Jesus Christ.

Still no plan of action

Well, it has been another week of waiting.  I think one of the many things I need to learn through all of this is patience. I told you about my bone scan so next is the CT scan (Cat scan...same thing).

Beforehand they had me drink a bunch of Barium.  Just imagine a nasty drink that has been doctored to taste like a cheap banana smoothie with the consistency of pepto bismol.  Then drink it when you have a cold and while driving in a car.  In more or less words, it was DISGUSTING!  I managed not to throw it up because I knew if I did then I would have to reschedule and drink it all over again.  We'll just say I left a few drops in the last dose.  Anyhow, I thought I was getting of the hook of any needles and injections because of the drink...nope.  They put an IV in me and injected me with, well I'm not quite sure what it was, but it made me all warm inside.  She warned me that it would start in my head then move down my body and when it got to my bladder it would feel like I wet my pants. By golly I seriously thought I had an accident in my pants.  I adjusted a little just to make sure.  I'm sure glad she warned me because that would have been slightly embarrassing, haha.  I wasn't strapped to the table this time, nonetheless I had to hold still.  I was on a bed, but this time they put a pillow under my legs, which helped with my hip.  When they were ready the bed was raised and I was put through the scanner.  It was the shape of a very large doughnut and I was going through the middle of it.  The machine would talk to me and say, "Hold your breath,"  followed a few seconds later with, "Breathe."  It was really quick, and I only had to hold still for about 10 seconds at a time....not a straight 23 min!  I was lucky to have my mom there with me.  She was great at distracting me when the needle came out. Thanks mom!

I have found, with all of this, that I can either be happy or sad.  I can laugh or I can cry.  I can be in denial or I can accept reality.  I can mentally shut myself out or I can be an open book.  My conclusion is that all of this is really stupid, and why would anyone shut his/herself out, be in denial or be sad over something stupid?! Not me!  Notice I didn't mention crying, I have done my fair share of crying and I'm sure there are still more tears to come, but that doesn't mean I can't still be happy.  I want to laugh, and believe me, I do.  A few times when I told people I had cancer they didn't believe me because I had a smile on my face.  Think about it, if I cried every time I broke the news to someone, I would have a migraine every night and who in their right mind wants that.  Life is meant to be enjoyed, "Men are that they might have joy."  It isn't, "Men are that they might have joy when they are not going through trials."  We can find happiness and reasons to laugh even when everything around us seems glum.  The other night I was with Tim and I couldn't talk without coughing and coughing hurts my hip. In short, it was a painful evening.  I could see the worry in his eyes so I decided to lighten the mood.  I found a pen and a pad of paper so I could still communicate with him.  After a little while we were both laughing and at one point I ripped off a corner of the paper and wrote on it, "Cancer Card a.k.a. pity me."  He just rolled his eyes at me when I held it up to him.  Pain, laughter and happiness can happen simultaneously, but it is a choice.  I choose to be happy and no one can change my mind about it!

Testing, testing, testing

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  There is so much to be grateful for.  Right now I am very grateful for modern medicine!  Lately I have been thinking about people who probably had cancer that lived hundreds of years ago, even decades ago.  They did not have the technology or resources we have today.  So a big thanks to doctors, modern medicine, and research!

When I first found out I had cancer, I thought they would have me in surgery the next week and then start treatments immediately following.  However, it is a longer process than I anticipated.  I have been to the hospital several times, and still have further testing. I have already had an ultrasound and a biopsy.  I had a bone scan yesterday which I will tell you about below, a CT scan tomorrow and a mammogram and another ultrasound next Wednesday (not looking forward to that one).  My sisters joke that I am a little lab rat...I have been feeling like it lately, minus the tail and whiskers.  This has all been really interesting to learn about my body and cancer, not saying this is the best way to learn about it, but interesting nonetheless.  I don't know and probably wont know for at least a week when I will have surgery/start treatments.  I know, I want to know as bad as you but we're all going to have to be patient and wait it out.  In the mean time I am keeping busy doing as many active things as possible before I am bedridden...assuming it will come to that.


For those of you interested in what a bone scan is, keep reading.  I injured my hip last July and it has been bothering me since, so they just want to be thorough and make sure there isn't a direct connection between the pain and cancer, also to find out what really is going on in my hip. Bone scan, it sounds intense, however it wasn't too bad.  I went in at noon for an injection; which basically shoots radioactive material that acts as dye that can detect any cancer that may have spread to the bones.  That was probably the worst of it, I hate needles! Ewe! Luckily Tim was there holding my hand, distracting me.  Side note: Tim and I have been dating for over a month now and he is the greatest person I could ask for right now.  He is rock solid and has been wonderful through all of this, despite the fact that I found out I had cancer on his birthday. Please keep him in your prayers too.  Ok, back to the scan.  I had to wait 3 hours before going back for the actual scan, so we went four wheeling and ate lunch to get our minds off of it.  When we went back the doctor was very nice and personable, he actually smiled and laughed a little.  I think doctors are too serious, granted they deal with life and death daily, with that aside I try to get them to laugh, but they just don't think I'm funny.  Don't worry though, I'll keep trying. He had me lie down on my back and put a blanket on me, my arms were straight at my side, and there were straps around my body to keep me still...like a full body straight jacket.  I had to hold completely still for 23 minutes!  The machine was quite extraordinary.  This was a full body scan so it started with my head.  The scanner came down about 4 inches from my face, it moved up and down for a few minutes, then the bed I was lying on moved backwards so the scanner was over my chest and rib cage. It did the same thing then moved down until it had covered my whole body.  I felt quite helpless just sitting there.  I wanted to turn my head to talk to Tim, but I figured I would start laughing, causing my body to move and they would have to start over, so I didn't.  It wasn't as traumatic as I was expecting.  I would do that over an injection any day!

That's that for now.  I'm doing well, besides this cold I caught the other day.  If anyone needs any type of cold medicine, pretty sure I can supply, haha.  Hope y'all have a great Thanksgiving! Much love!

The big news

Hey all,
I have never done a blog before so this is a little weird for me, but I figured this would be the most efficient way to keep people updated on what is going on right now.  You are probably thinking, "What in the world is she talking about."  Well folks, I was diagnosed with breast cancer on November 16, 2011.  Yeah I know, shocker.  I didn't see it coming either.  Only 2-3% of women who get breast cancer are under the age of 30, and only 4-5% under 40. I'm in the top 2%, lucky me!

So with that said, you probably have a bunch of questions you would like answered (as do I), I will just do a little Q & A to cover what people this past week have been wondering. Here goes:

Q: How did you find it?
A: It was kind of a fluke that I found it because I wasn't looking for anything.  I woke up one morning and my arm was strewn across my body and I felt a lump in my right breast with my arm.  I immediately made an appointment to get it checked out.

Q: Does it hurt?
A: Nope

Q: What kind of tests did they do?
A: I first had an ultrasound, then they did a core biopsy

Q:How big is it?
A: It is fairly large. 4.9 cm/4.9 cm/3.5 cm. Because of the size it is bordering stage 3

The final question is usually, how are you doing?
My answer thus far has been something like this: Surprisingly peaceful.  Yes this is a shock, however I do not feel like it is coincidence.  I have felt cloudy about what I should do after graduation (I graduate with my Bachelors of Music next month, woot woot) considering I do not feel good about going on to graduate school right away.  My plan was to wait one year and then reconsider.  All in all, things seem to be finally coming together.  I picture my life as a giant puzzle.  I have been trying so hard to put pieces together that just aren't compatible, but now it feels as if they are settling in the right places.  I don't know how or when all of this will end, but I know that it will and that everything has a purpose.  God knows what is best for me and He will never give me a trial I am unable to handle.  I can't do this all by myself, so that is why He has sent me angels, seen and unseen.  Thanks to everyone who has already shown love and support.  I appreciate it more than you know!