Still no plan of action

Well, it has been another week of waiting.  I think one of the many things I need to learn through all of this is patience. I told you about my bone scan so next is the CT scan (Cat scan...same thing).

Beforehand they had me drink a bunch of Barium.  Just imagine a nasty drink that has been doctored to taste like a cheap banana smoothie with the consistency of pepto bismol.  Then drink it when you have a cold and while driving in a car.  In more or less words, it was DISGUSTING!  I managed not to throw it up because I knew if I did then I would have to reschedule and drink it all over again.  We'll just say I left a few drops in the last dose.  Anyhow, I thought I was getting of the hook of any needles and injections because of the drink...nope.  They put an IV in me and injected me with, well I'm not quite sure what it was, but it made me all warm inside.  She warned me that it would start in my head then move down my body and when it got to my bladder it would feel like I wet my pants. By golly I seriously thought I had an accident in my pants.  I adjusted a little just to make sure.  I'm sure glad she warned me because that would have been slightly embarrassing, haha.  I wasn't strapped to the table this time, nonetheless I had to hold still.  I was on a bed, but this time they put a pillow under my legs, which helped with my hip.  When they were ready the bed was raised and I was put through the scanner.  It was the shape of a very large doughnut and I was going through the middle of it.  The machine would talk to me and say, "Hold your breath,"  followed a few seconds later with, "Breathe."  It was really quick, and I only had to hold still for about 10 seconds at a time....not a straight 23 min!  I was lucky to have my mom there with me.  She was great at distracting me when the needle came out. Thanks mom!

I have found, with all of this, that I can either be happy or sad.  I can laugh or I can cry.  I can be in denial or I can accept reality.  I can mentally shut myself out or I can be an open book.  My conclusion is that all of this is really stupid, and why would anyone shut his/herself out, be in denial or be sad over something stupid?! Not me!  Notice I didn't mention crying, I have done my fair share of crying and I'm sure there are still more tears to come, but that doesn't mean I can't still be happy.  I want to laugh, and believe me, I do.  A few times when I told people I had cancer they didn't believe me because I had a smile on my face.  Think about it, if I cried every time I broke the news to someone, I would have a migraine every night and who in their right mind wants that.  Life is meant to be enjoyed, "Men are that they might have joy."  It isn't, "Men are that they might have joy when they are not going through trials."  We can find happiness and reasons to laugh even when everything around us seems glum.  The other night I was with Tim and I couldn't talk without coughing and coughing hurts my hip. In short, it was a painful evening.  I could see the worry in his eyes so I decided to lighten the mood.  I found a pen and a pad of paper so I could still communicate with him.  After a little while we were both laughing and at one point I ripped off a corner of the paper and wrote on it, "Cancer Card a.k.a. pity me."  He just rolled his eyes at me when I held it up to him.  Pain, laughter and happiness can happen simultaneously, but it is a choice.  I choose to be happy and no one can change my mind about it!