Time

Yes, it is 2:39 am and I am wide awake.  Treatment nights I usually don't sleep well because they give me steroids.  The steroids are a preventative measure for infection.  I usually fall asleep fine and then wake up between 3 and 5, but tonight is different.  I will say though, it is nice every once and a while to stay awake longer than usual yet not feel the slightest bit tired. Hmmm.  I like to be awake when the rest of the world is asleep, I feel it provides a more peaceful atmosphere to meditate and ponder.

I have had a lot of time to think about, well, everything these past few months considering I am graduated and am not able to work yet.  What would you think about or change if the doctors told you the average life expectancy of someone with your diagnosis was 1.5-5 years? I never thought I would have to face such a predicament.  I always assumed I would live to be old like my grandma Astle, painting at 75 years old and out fishing at 92.  I never even considered dying before being able to get married or have a family. I am not saying this will happen, but it is in the cards now.  Following is something I have been pondering since November 16th.

When the though first crossed my mind that I could be gone the following year, I immediately thought of relationships I have with people.  Would I regret saying something? Would I regret not saying or doing something?  Am I at odds with anyone?  How can I better the relationships I am currently in?  My mom always says that when we die we will not take things with us, but our relationships will be carried beyond the grave.  Why is it that we really think about these things when something traumatic happens?  Why aren't these questions constantly on our minds?  I am speaking mostly of myself right now, many of your reading this I am sure already have this in check. 
I go back to the reality that our lives are in God's hands.  When I was 18 months old, my father passed away in a drowning accident.  They, including my two oldest brothers, were on a scout outing on the Green River in southern Utah.  Everyone was floating down the river and had life jackets on, but when they began coming to shore my dad was nowhere to be seen.  They searched the area but when they realized he was not there, a search party was issued.  About 5 days later they found his body.  Anyone who knew my dad knew he loved the outdoors.  He hunted, fished, hiked, camped and if given the opportunity, probably would have spent a whole year up in the mountains.  He spent plenty of time in rivers, swimming, and participating in dangerous activities (he was a fireman after all).  He did not drown because he did not know how to swim, I am sure he did not want to leave my mom behind to raise 6 children on her own, and I know he did not want to miss hunting season the following October.  However, God knows.  I feel that we as humans sometimes throw that aside and make our own plans and get upset when things don't turn out "our way."  One lesson I have learned is that we make plans so God can have something to work with a.k.a. change.  God's ways are not our ways.  He knows what is best for us and the experiences and challenges we need at the exact times that will help us come closer to Him and better fulfill our purposes here on Earth.  I would not take back this experience, however I do not wish it on anyone.  I do not know how it will all turn out.  I don't know if I will be here for 2 years or 20 years but, whichever it is, I want to make the most of every day.  My life is in God's hands; the best place to be.

They're shrinking!!

My tumors are shrinking!!  I have been anticipating this appointment for 2 months now and am so happy to know that the chemo is working.  The one in my breast has shrunk about one centimeter. It is difficult to tell if there are still cancer cells in my spine or not, but the doctor said that the bone is acting as if there isn't because it is growing back so nicely.  The bone in my back won't grow back exactly as it was before, but it is filling in.  The same goes for my rib.  The CT scan shows there are no new spots either!

The action plan is to keep doing chemo until the tumor stops shrinking then they will put me on tomaxafin to keep everything stabilized. Tomaxafin is a hormonal therapy that blocks estrogen receptors and comes in the form of a pill.  There are very few side effects, which is nice because I will possibly be taking this indefinitely.  Hopefully I will only be doing chemo for about 2 more months, but I will plan on 4 then I'll be pleasantly surprised when/if it is less.  I have learned that patience is required for cancer patients.  It is difficult to predict what will happen or how long treatments will last because it really is a month by month process.  That is ok, I feel I am getting exceptional care at the Huntsman center and am very lucky to be there.

The next question is the back brace.  How long will I be in it.  Before today I would say, "I don't know!"  I met with the spine guy today and as of next Wednesday I will start weening myself off it.  I will start by not wearing it for an hour, then 1.5 hours then 2 etc.  By April 20 I will be OUT OF THE TURTLE SHELL!!!!!! Who's excited?  I have a love/hate relationship with this brace.  It came at a great time when I was literally moving slower than Tim's grandma, in her 90's, because of the pain.  So thanks brace, but I'm ready to part with you.

How's the vegan diet going?  I went into all of this diet change stuff knowing I would eventually make some changes, so here goes.  I have added yogurt and fish and occasionally chicken (costa vida cough cough).  I eat a lot of fruits and veggie's, beans, whole grains, chips and salsa but my saving grace are smoothies!  I am still avoiding soy at all cost, but not being so strict with sugar. Tonight is liquid brick night at Caspers...basically the best milk shake ever!  I am a little upset because tonight is the last night it is open!

My mom always say's there is a lot of adversity before something good comes along.  Last week was a rough week, I won't lie.  I have felt like a crazy lady with no control over her emotions at times.  I am lucky to have such supportive family members, friends and Tim.  Thank you to everyone who has shown support over the past few months to me and my family.  This is a trial no family can get through alone.  I have felt so much love from so many different sources, Thank You, it is much appreciated!!