Life Goes On

Isn’t that the truth?!  Some days you just chug along in hopes that night will come and morning will bring new light.  For a reason or reasons unknown to me, I feel to share the reality of my situation on a personal level. 

Every day is difficult.  I try to be positive and uplifting and convey hope to those around me, but that does not diminish the physical and emotional turmoil beneath the surface. With that said, I do not write this in a moment of distress in an attempt to gain pity; for those who are acquainted with me know how I despise “pity eyes.”  So, from a logical and emotionally stable standpoint, I explain some of the trials I face branched from the invasive onset of cancer.

I would find anyone naïve who assumes I am constantly happy and radiate hope.  I do not, even if that is what you believe.  What an easy and simple concept to understand yet so difficult to practice, especially when faced with a situation that dims and mystifies personal, long-term plans.  My pillow has been wetted with many tears in pondering my future, or rather absence of.  I have an incurable disease.  My life span is 1.5-6 years.  The hopeful perspective declares loudly in my mind that the number of years I am alive is insignificant because Gods promises will reach beyond the grave.  Yes I understand and believe this truth, however knowledge does not obliterate sorrow and suffering.  I have tools to be happy and overcome whatever depression dares approach, but that requires spiritual and emotional strength, which I do not always possess.  I am somewhat ashamed to admit that I have let despair get the best of me on more than one occasion. 

Despair is not a pleasant destination, yet a real consequence from decisions.  Aside from those suffering from mental illnesses, I am a firm believer that our state of mind is what we choose it to be.  Yes, I have chosen to entertain thoughts of despair when I felt I did not have the strength to maintain equilibrium.  I would not wish those feelings upon anyone; however, in those moments, I was taught the virtue of charity by those who so lovingly and angelically carried me.  Family and friends, and on occasion strangers, unknowingly reeled me back to reality.  On most occasions a note, a visit, a phone call or small token was received in answer to a pleading prayer for hope.  I want to thank all the angels who have been there for me when only God knew I needed uplifting.  I could not, cannot and have not faced this challenge alone.

 Elder Jeffrey R. Holland speaks more eloquently than myself when regarding angels among us, “When we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil…Heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind.”

Thank you to my angels.

On a medical note, everything is going well.  Big momma may lose the privilege of having the word "big" in her title if we continue on the same path.  I will meet with the doctor again in 2 months for a checkup and scans.

Big Momma Took a Hint!

She got the hint and shrunk a little, wahooooo!  She is still very much there, but at least we are seeing progress. As I met with my doctor this week I was curious as to how much she had grown/shrunk, here are the data:

August  4cm x 4cm
September 6cm x 5cm...what?!?!
October 4cm x 5.5cm

There you have it; looks like the lupron is working, however we are still waiting for my estrogen levels to drop. The last time they checked it was 440, and we want it down to 30. Wowza!  It's a good thing I am friends with several post-menopausal women who can give me pointers.  That's a big drop but we are hopeful it will happen within the next few weeks.  The side effects still haven't been too bad, but will get worse as they dry up my estrogen production and my ovaries are shut down.  When I am to that point I will start another hormonal therapy in supplement to the lupron, in the form of a pill.  This drug is only effective in post-menopausal women, which is why I have not started it yet.  Keep your fingers crossed that this drug will work, at least for a while.  It is typically effective for about one to two years before your body stops responding.  At that point I have other options, but we'll cross that bridge when it comes.

Thank you for your prayers, thoughts, phone calls and visits.  It is nice to know that people care and that I have such an amazing support system.  I feel peace in my life right now regarding my health.  I don't know how things are going to turn out, but I have faith that God will take care of me.  Like I have said before, my life is in God's hands; the best place to be.

Big Momma Doesn't Take a Hint

I am sorry to announce that big momma is growing (the tumor in my breast).  I found out last week and am actually at the Huntsman Center right now waiting for yet another bone and CT scan.  For some reason they scheduled them a couple of hours apart, so I figured this would be perfect blog-updating time.

I haven't had any symptoms other than fatigue, which has been my constant companion these days, so I wouldn't have guessed anything was wrong.  Apparently the tamoxifen (estrogen blocker) just wasn't enough for my estrogen producing body.  I had two options placed before me: chemo or lupron.  Before diving back into my weekly dose of poison, I would wanted to try something different, so I chose the latter.

Lupron is a shot I will receive, in my hip, once every 3 months that will put me into short-term menopause.  In other words, my body will not produce any estrogen for big momma to feed off of.  Along with the shot I will continue taking tamoxifen or another hormonal therapy in the form of a shot or pill.  This treatment can, and hopefully will, shrink the tumor.  I will be on it as long as it is effective and the side effects (hot flashes, bone weakness, and mood changes to name a few) are tolerable.  When/if it stops working then my options are chemo or clinical trials.

With everything that has happened, I feel peace.  I am not afraid.  I have found that the only times I do not feel peace are when I let my own fears override what I feel and know deep down.  I know that my life is in God's hands and whatever happens is His will.  Sometimes it is difficult to accept what He has planned for me, but then I remember He knows the end from the beginning and I am more safe following His path than my own.  From talking with friends and family, I don't know how I would handle this situation if I were on the other end of things.  I have found it much easier to go through something firsthand than to watch someone you love suffer.  Thank you to all who have been a support through all of this.  I am simply awkward and don't know what to say when it comes to comforting people in these kinds of situations, so thank you.  I know this is bad news, but don't worry; I am happy and moving forward!  Keep praying that God's will be done, and I know we will all have an easier time dealing with whatever comes next.



p.s. If it is any consolation, I got a fortune cookie last night at a friends wedding that said, "You will live a long and prosperous life."  Those Chinese sure know what they're talking about.

Lookin' Good

I can't believe that I am sitting down today, the day after I got the latest test results, updating my blog.  This never happens!  I figured you have waited long enough, goodness sake my last entry was over a month ago.  Proof that I am no blogger.

I had a bone and CT scan this week and when I met with the doctor yesterday he said there were no new tumors! Hooray!  The CT came back fine with just the tumor in my breast, but the bone scan is more difficult to read because cancer in the bone and healed bone from cancer look exactly the same. The good news is that there were no new spots on the bone scan (except for a possible broken toe due to my fight with the coffee table...).  My back is probably 95% better which is a fairly accurate indicator that the cancer is no longer there.  Believe me, if there was another spot in my bones, I'd feel it.

The tumor in my breast is about the same size if not smaller than before. The measurement is not very accurate from a CT, but we're pretty sure it is not any bigger.  I will continue taking tamoxifen and going in for infusion once every few months for zomeda, the bone strengthener.  Like I have mentioned before, compared with chemotherapy, I hardly feel any side effects from the tamoxifen and zomeda.  My energy level has not fully recovered, but I have been working out, hiking and most importantly throwing the nieces and nephews around without inuring myself.

Several people asked me if I was nervous for these test results, and my answer was, "no." Since I was diagnosed with cancer, I have had certain impressions about what would happen.  I have been following my gut feeling all along and so far it has been pretty accurate.  I didn't feel any stress or worry going in this week, but rather a peaceful feeling that everything was going as it should and that things would be ok.  I think the worst of it is over for the time being.  Sure it might come back down the road, but I feel that for now it is under control.  Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers!  My testimony of prayers has grown significantly these past months largely because I have been the recipient of so much faith and prayers of others.  I have been lifted up and supported by so many people and the only way I know to thank you all is to pay it forward by treating others as you have treated me. I guess that is how it should be, cancer or not.  We are God's hands here on earth and should always be taking care of each other, it just took cancer for me to realize that.

Feeling great!

To start off, the main reason I do not update my blog frequently is usually because not much is going on...that's a good thing.  So if you're wondering how I am doing and haven't heard for a while, just assume I am improving.

I am doing much better.  I have been done with chemo for a while now, thus my energy level has increased and I am able to be more physically active.  I went hiking twice last week, once with my 6 year old nephew Tanner, who ran down probably 1/3 of trail.  The great part about this story is that I kept up! Wahooo!  One of the worst feelings is chasing after kids and not being able to catch up with them even though you are exerting every ounce of energy, seriously!  I'm getting back into the groove though and making up for lost time, which equals lots of extra teasing.

Onto the medical inquiries.  I met with my doctor last week and he said everything is looking good.  The main indicator of how I am doing however, is how I am feeling.  I am super conscious of everything going on with my body, no ache or pain goes unnoticed.  I will continue to go in for infusion once a month for zomeda (for my bones-not chemo) and I will have a CT and bone scan the end of July.  The next time I will meet with my doctor will be right after the tests; to get the results.  I am still taking tomaxifen and will be for as long as it is working.  If for some reason it stops working, I qualified for a study which would begin this fall.  Cross your fingers that I won't have to take an experimental drug, but that the tomaxifen will continue to take effect.  I met with a genetic counsellor two weeks ago and am waiting for those test results which will take a few more weeks.

Funny bald moment:  I tend my sisters kids while she teaches violin on Wednesdays and while walking down the stairs (without my wig on) during one of her lessons, the younger sister looks at me and says, "Are you the mommy or the daddy?"  Her mom was appalled, but I just laughed and kept walking.  I left that one for Dre to explain, but at least I got a good laugh out of it.  I guess to a 5 year old, a bald person wearing jeans, a sweatshirt and chacos could be gender neutral.  I love that children are so honest, they just don't have filters...maybe that's why I relate so well.

I'll let you know when I find out about the genetic test, in the meantime, just assume I am doing well!

p.s. Does anyone have a remedy to be able to sleep better?  I have a difficult time falling asleep at night, and I wake up long before I would like. I'll try anything!

p.s.s  I am also looking for a car. Something small under 100K miles within $5000.  If you hear of anything, give me a shout. Thanks!

Done with chemo!

The moment you have all been waiting for...I am done with chemo!!! Well, for now.  I met with my doctor Thursday and he told me I could do chemo for one more month if I wanted (like I would want to do that!) or I could switch over to hormonal therapy (tamoxifen).  We looked at the images from 3 of my CT scans and he showed me how much the tumor in my breast had shrunk over time.  The reason he gave me the choice to be done with chemo or not is because the shrinkage from the last scan was minimal.  If I were to do one more month of chemo it would probably still shrink a little, but in the long run it wouldn't make that much of a difference.  So I chose tamoxifen. Yay!

Tamoxifen is hormonal therapy.  What the heck does that mean? If you want a more detailed description you can check out this website (It is a simple Q&A): http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Therapy/tamoxifen.
If you don't want to go there I will sum it up. Your type of cancer is either estrogen receptor positive or negative.  Mine is positive, hence I am eligible for tamoxifen.  It will block the estrogen receptors in my breast which should shrink the tumor, but at a much slower rate than chemo.  Tamoxifen acts against the effects of estrogen in the breast tissue but acts as estrogen in other parts of the body putting me at a higher risk of endometrial cancer and uterine sacroma. That's a let down. Other possible side effects are hot flashes (which I have already been experiencing...I'm sorry to you menopausal women out there, it stinks!), blood clots, stroke, and birth defects if I were to become pregnant.  There are others such as fatigue, headaches and nausea, but are less common.  Throughout radiation and chemo I have experienced many symptoms of pregnancy and menopause, but without having a baby or actually experiencing menopause, oh what I have to look forward to!

The next question most people ask is, "What about your hair?"  It should start to grow back in 6 weeks to 3 months.  I think I will keep my head shaved until it starts to grow in a little thicker, plus it is summer and hot outside.  I don't mind being bald, but when it starts to grow in all thin and wispy, I look into the mirror and see a cancer patient.  I have been more brave lately and gone out in public bald.  The other day my mom and I were walking into Walmart as a hispanic looking man in a truck pulled close to us.  He rolled his window down and said, with a thick accent, "I don't mean to be disrespectful or anything, but I really like the way you look with your head and everything."  We got a kick out of it and laughed our way into the store.  I guess some people like the bald look!

After all this, I do not really feel relieved.  The doctor said that it is very likely the cancer will act up within 6 months-2 years.  I feel  like I won this battle, but there is more to face.  This will a loom over me as long as I live.  I am not in the clear but things are looking good for now and I am feeling much much better than I have the past few months. As far as I know I won't have surgery, but will continue on with the tamoxifen for as long as it is working.  It is usually about 5 years, but differs case to case.

There is not much more to say than I have already said.  My life is in God's hands.  I have learned to enjoy life a little more and to live in the moment instead of planning years ahead.  I find joy in the little things, and I am finding out what is most dear to me.  Unfortunately it took cancer for me to realize some things, but at least I realized them and can now continue to move forward with more purpose than I have ever knew I had.

An end in sight???

I can see light at the end of the tunnel!  Depending on how my CT scan goes this Thursday, I may only have one more chemotherapy treatment left. And, depending on how my appointment goes with the spine doctor, I may be permanently out of my back brace!

Now with that said, I will expect to have one more month of chemo and have to stay in my brace a little longer just so I don't get my hopes up.  I am so used to bad news so this seems too good to be true.  I guess it's about time for something good to happen...meaning for this cancer to go away; many many good things have happened over the past months.

I have been feeling a lot more tired lately.  These drugs are definitely working because I get winded walking up stairs and zofran (anti-nausea) is becoming a little less effective over time.  My body has been through a lot and I feel as though my energy is being sucked away from me.  It is more difficult to focus and sleeping is still an issue.  I finally got sleeping pills, but sometimes that doesn't do the trick.  If I could have 3 wishes, being able to sleep through every night for a week would certainly be included.  Maybe this is just a glimpse of the future and what it will be like when I am a mom and have a baby who doesn't like to sleep through the night.  I guess don't have much room to complain though, I have still managed to stay active through this all.  Meaning I have not been completely bedridden.

I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that I may not be going in for weekly treatments anymore, although it has to come to an end sometime.  I will still be taking medication, hormonal therapy, but it comes in pill form and there are very few side effects.  My hair will start to grow back sometime within 6 weeks to 3 months.  This is also weird to me because I am so used to being bald and "putting on" my hair in the mornings.  Bald chicks are sexy! I guess I can get used to hair again.  I could get used to running again too, and hiking and lots of other things I have not been able to do for a while.  I can't wait!

Time

Yes, it is 2:39 am and I am wide awake.  Treatment nights I usually don't sleep well because they give me steroids.  The steroids are a preventative measure for infection.  I usually fall asleep fine and then wake up between 3 and 5, but tonight is different.  I will say though, it is nice every once and a while to stay awake longer than usual yet not feel the slightest bit tired. Hmmm.  I like to be awake when the rest of the world is asleep, I feel it provides a more peaceful atmosphere to meditate and ponder.

I have had a lot of time to think about, well, everything these past few months considering I am graduated and am not able to work yet.  What would you think about or change if the doctors told you the average life expectancy of someone with your diagnosis was 1.5-5 years? I never thought I would have to face such a predicament.  I always assumed I would live to be old like my grandma Astle, painting at 75 years old and out fishing at 92.  I never even considered dying before being able to get married or have a family. I am not saying this will happen, but it is in the cards now.  Following is something I have been pondering since November 16th.

When the though first crossed my mind that I could be gone the following year, I immediately thought of relationships I have with people.  Would I regret saying something? Would I regret not saying or doing something?  Am I at odds with anyone?  How can I better the relationships I am currently in?  My mom always says that when we die we will not take things with us, but our relationships will be carried beyond the grave.  Why is it that we really think about these things when something traumatic happens?  Why aren't these questions constantly on our minds?  I am speaking mostly of myself right now, many of your reading this I am sure already have this in check. 
I go back to the reality that our lives are in God's hands.  When I was 18 months old, my father passed away in a drowning accident.  They, including my two oldest brothers, were on a scout outing on the Green River in southern Utah.  Everyone was floating down the river and had life jackets on, but when they began coming to shore my dad was nowhere to be seen.  They searched the area but when they realized he was not there, a search party was issued.  About 5 days later they found his body.  Anyone who knew my dad knew he loved the outdoors.  He hunted, fished, hiked, camped and if given the opportunity, probably would have spent a whole year up in the mountains.  He spent plenty of time in rivers, swimming, and participating in dangerous activities (he was a fireman after all).  He did not drown because he did not know how to swim, I am sure he did not want to leave my mom behind to raise 6 children on her own, and I know he did not want to miss hunting season the following October.  However, God knows.  I feel that we as humans sometimes throw that aside and make our own plans and get upset when things don't turn out "our way."  One lesson I have learned is that we make plans so God can have something to work with a.k.a. change.  God's ways are not our ways.  He knows what is best for us and the experiences and challenges we need at the exact times that will help us come closer to Him and better fulfill our purposes here on Earth.  I would not take back this experience, however I do not wish it on anyone.  I do not know how it will all turn out.  I don't know if I will be here for 2 years or 20 years but, whichever it is, I want to make the most of every day.  My life is in God's hands; the best place to be.

They're shrinking!!

My tumors are shrinking!!  I have been anticipating this appointment for 2 months now and am so happy to know that the chemo is working.  The one in my breast has shrunk about one centimeter. It is difficult to tell if there are still cancer cells in my spine or not, but the doctor said that the bone is acting as if there isn't because it is growing back so nicely.  The bone in my back won't grow back exactly as it was before, but it is filling in.  The same goes for my rib.  The CT scan shows there are no new spots either!

The action plan is to keep doing chemo until the tumor stops shrinking then they will put me on tomaxafin to keep everything stabilized. Tomaxafin is a hormonal therapy that blocks estrogen receptors and comes in the form of a pill.  There are very few side effects, which is nice because I will possibly be taking this indefinitely.  Hopefully I will only be doing chemo for about 2 more months, but I will plan on 4 then I'll be pleasantly surprised when/if it is less.  I have learned that patience is required for cancer patients.  It is difficult to predict what will happen or how long treatments will last because it really is a month by month process.  That is ok, I feel I am getting exceptional care at the Huntsman center and am very lucky to be there.

The next question is the back brace.  How long will I be in it.  Before today I would say, "I don't know!"  I met with the spine guy today and as of next Wednesday I will start weening myself off it.  I will start by not wearing it for an hour, then 1.5 hours then 2 etc.  By April 20 I will be OUT OF THE TURTLE SHELL!!!!!! Who's excited?  I have a love/hate relationship with this brace.  It came at a great time when I was literally moving slower than Tim's grandma, in her 90's, because of the pain.  So thanks brace, but I'm ready to part with you.

How's the vegan diet going?  I went into all of this diet change stuff knowing I would eventually make some changes, so here goes.  I have added yogurt and fish and occasionally chicken (costa vida cough cough).  I eat a lot of fruits and veggie's, beans, whole grains, chips and salsa but my saving grace are smoothies!  I am still avoiding soy at all cost, but not being so strict with sugar. Tonight is liquid brick night at Caspers...basically the best milk shake ever!  I am a little upset because tonight is the last night it is open!

My mom always say's there is a lot of adversity before something good comes along.  Last week was a rough week, I won't lie.  I have felt like a crazy lady with no control over her emotions at times.  I am lucky to have such supportive family members, friends and Tim.  Thank you to everyone who has shown support over the past few months to me and my family.  This is a trial no family can get through alone.  I have felt so much love from so many different sources, Thank You, it is much appreciated!!

Not much going on

I have not written because frankly, not much has happened since I shaved my head.  I am still feeling amazingly well considering those darn nurses pump poison into me every week.  Other than the poison part, they are treating me very well down at the Huntsman center, I have nothing to complain about.  Last week my sister in law, Sue, brought me yarn and a crocheting hook and taught me the basics.  That is one thing I have wanted to do "some day"  which means, I'll think about it but let's be honest folks, it was never going to happen; so thanks to Sue.  Today during treatment I practiced chaining for about an hour.  The great thing about crocheting is if you make a mistake, just pull it out and start over. Maybe some day I will actually produce something recognizable ;)

March will be a turning point of sorts.  I just finished the last treatment (#6) of my second cycle which means next week I will go in for a CT scan and breast ultrasound.  This will tell us how the cancer is responding to chemo.  Some people have asked me about my tumor/cancer markers.  In simple terms this is a number that can be determined by the blood test at each treatment that tells you how the cancer is responding.  However, for my case this number doesn't reveal anything, I need the actual images to tell us anything. Bummer, but what can ya do.  Anyhow, I will meet with my oncologist on March 8 to get the results.  This may be the teller if I need to have surgery, keep going with treatment, or possibly to change me to a different drug.  Honestly, I don't know or even really have a feeling of what might happen.  I just pray and hope for the best.  I do not want to have surgery, but if that is the best option, so be it.  Wouldn't it be nice to go and have him tell me that the cancer is gone?  That is every cancer patients dream.  Cancer patients don't like cancer. We'll see, and I'll keep you updated on the big stuff.

Tim and I were sitting on my couch the other night and I decided we needed to come up with a top 5 reasons being bald rocks.  Here goes:

#5-Getting ready time=cut in half.  I was in and out of the shower in 4.5 minutes the other day.  Tim said he could do it in 3, which means my next shower will be in 2.5...We're not competitive at all.

#4-I don't find hair in the sink anymore.  No clogs.  No hair in the drain at the end of the shower. Dream come true! I also don't find hair on my legs or under my arms. Are you jealous yet?  You should be!

#3-Wigs.  I can have short hair one day and long the next.  I can wear hats, scarves, and funky do-rags and no one questions me.  I can go bohemian one day and G.I. Jane the next and people think it's cool. Wow, I have too much fun with this!

#2-Hair doesn't get in the way when I throw something over your shoulder like a backpack or purse...unless I'm wearing my long hair, then it just shifts.

#1-Shock factor.  I was in institute the other day on the back row and my friend Josh had the thought.  I also had a thought.  It was really warm in the room, I was wearing a hat, I took off the hat, I was bald.  I was smirking a little and half expected him to start laughing.  He looked at me for a minute and I don't think he knew what to think if he wanted to laugh he did a good job suppressing it.  It was funny for me, sorry Josh.

I bet you all wish you were bald now, I don't blame you.  My cancer card states that bald chicks are sexy, so now you know what to do if you are a girl and want to be sexy.  You're welcome.  Well I could go on and talk about nothing like most bloggers, or I could fold the laundry on my bed so I can get into it and sleep.  I think I'll choose the latter. Peace out.

Alopecia

My dear friends, I have been struck with alopecia, or hair loss.  One reason I dyed my hair bleach blonde and whacked it off was because I knew it was going to fall out anyway.  I will say that it was a lot easier to see short blonde hair fall out than my natural color.  It began over a week ago and only got worse.  At first it wasn't so bad, but it finally hit me that I was losing my hair.  I was planning on shaving my head at some point but didn't know when, where or with who.  I decided last monday that it just needed to go, so I called my best friend and we went and did it.  Honestly, it wasn't that difficult to see it go.  It was more difficult to see a trail of hair wherever I went.  It was EVERYWHERE, so I am now bald.  Whooda thunk?!  I will admit, I always wondered what I would look like bald but would never under any other circumstances take that step. Before shaving my head I feared I would find some weird birthmark under my hair, or my head would be a weird shape. Luckily I do not have a weird birthmark and am told that my head is quite round...I guess that's a good thing. All you people with hair on your heads, enjoy it!  I'm not missing mine too much right now because being bald really is low maintenance, which cuts my getting ready time in half!  I know I will have days where I miss it, but I have lots of cute hats and a wig.  The day I shaved it I bought a cute purple beanie. Emotional purchase...definitely. But I don't regret it one bit.

I just want to take a second to thank my wonderful family.  They have all been so supportive. Every step of this journey I have had someone, or multiple people at my side.  My loving mother, my silly sisters, my dedicated brothers, my endlessly adorable nieces and nephews who pray for me and tell me consistently, "I'm sorry you have cancer."  Coleman, in 1st grade, drew me a picture that said "I have cancer and it is fun...Shot (with a pic of a needle coming towards me) cancer isn't is fun as I thought."  We were all rolling on the floor laughing when he gave it to me.  Then they showed him a picture of me bald and he said, "I think she should wear a wig."  This kid has some serious opinions about girls' hair, he cracks me up!  I asked my family to not treat me any differently and by golly they haven't...well I think they make fun of me more, but that is to be expected.  How could they pass up the opportunity to poke fun of a 23 year old with a handicap pass that walks like a grandma and can't bend over.  Yep, I've heard it all.  Teasing is a form of love in my family.  I am lucky to have such a great support system. Love you family!

What does a vegan eat for lunch?

This is the big question of the day, "What does a vegan eat for lunch...or breakfast...or dinner?"  As of Friday January 20, I am on a vegan diet.  In addition to not eating meat or any animal byproducts, I am also not eating sugar/sugar substitutes, or white flour.  Yep, this pretty much eliminates everything you like to eat on a daily basis.  My diet will consist of all  fruits and vegi's, legumes (beans), and rice.  I can eat whole wheat products too.  If this diet will help heal my body, I will give it my all.  It may be difficult to pass up that bowl of ice cream, or grilled chicken, but if it means I will get better and live longer, there is no question.  Life is my main motivation here.

Lance and I went to Costco and got a bunch of Kelly-friendly foods last week, so when I got home I went through my cupboards and stripped them of all foods I no longer eat.  I am amazed at everything that has sugar in it!  Our fridge has a plethora of condiments/salad dressings/etc. and the only item that did not have sugar or dairy in it was MUSTARD!  You better believe I immediately made a veggie sandwich on wheat bread with, probably an overload of mustard.  I do not have any allergies to food therefore I have never had problems with worrying about what to eat.  I feel for people with specific dietary needs/allergies.  In more or less words, it stinks!  But on the other hand, why don't we already eat like this?

We live in a society that loads our bodies of toxins because it is quick and convenient and tastes good.  Frozen dinners, chips, deep fried chicken strips, chocolate, doughnuts, ice cream, soda pop, McDonalds, and Wendy's value menu to name a few.  Have you ever eaten these things?  I sure have.  Why does it taste good to us?  Because we've trained our taste to prefer it.  OK, some of you are probably thinking, "What gives you the right to say this, you are generalizing and is not true about me!"  You're right, this is a generalization and I'm not saying that everyone needs to cut out everything from the list above, or even that everyone eats these things, but I hope you'll at least think about what you take into your body.  I'm only saying this because I've had a wake-up call.  If changing my eating habits could potentially help cure me of cancer, think of how it could prevent someone from getting cancer.  Food for thought.  Ok I'll get off my soap box, I just needed to let that out.

I am almost 2 weeks into chemo and am feeling surprisingly well.  After my second treatment I felt ok until Saturday.  My stomach was upset and I felt as if a semi just plowed me over.  Don't worry though, I took a zofran and slept for a while.  By Sunday I was feeling better, just really tired.  I have probably mentioned this before, but the main side effect is fatigue.  I don't like to sleep too much during the day because then I have a difficult time falling asleep at night, so when I am feeling exhausted I watch a movie and just veg.  I will say, it is a nice excuse to just relax without feeling guilty...well sometimes I still feel guilty I'm not doing something productive, but if I overwork myself then I'll be more tired later.

My hair has not fallen out yet.  I have heard from cancer survivors and also the nurses that 2 weeks is the average time that it begins to come out.  The other day I talked to a lady who kept her hair for about one month.  It is very specific to the individual and type of chemo.  They also say that not all of your hair falls out.  Most people shave their heads because their hair gets so thin and it is easier to be bald than to clean up hair everywhere you go.  Then there are the rare cases that you do not lose your hair.  I guess I'll just have to wait and find out.  I'll keep you updated.

A couple questions I have received are, "How much has the tumor shrunk on your spine from radiation?" and, "How effective was radiation?"  I had 14 treatments (3 weeks) of radiation.  I began to feel improvement about the second week, meaning the pain lessened from about an 8.5 to 6 on a scale from 1-10.  However my back will continue to improve up to 6 weeks after radiation treatments are finished.  Since I was scheduled to start chemo a week after radiation, we wouldn't have had 100% accurate results if we tested the effectiveness of radiation because the full effect had not yet taken place.  Does that make sense?  I can physically notice huge improvement in my back since I began radiation.  My pain level is probably a 1 or 0.5 now, however it is not pain as much as a weak uncomfortable feeling. So, sorry to Sue and all of you who like statistics and percentages.  My back improving and feeling MUCH better.

If you have questions, feel free to ask.  Also, if any of you are vegan, or know of any good vegan recipes, please please please let me know. Thanks!

How is chemo?

If you are anything like me, when you think of someone going through chemotherapy, you picture a sickly person who lies in bed all day and only gets out of bed to throw up.  This is how the media depicts chemo, however it is a very false statement.  Sure this may have been the case 10 years ago but today there are many medications that help with nausea and other side effects.  Since I have started treatments I have not thrown up!  Yay!  I have definitely felt sick, but "cancer treatment" sick is different from "flu" sick.  When you have the flu you think, "If only I could throw up I would feel so much better."  For me, the sickness I am experiencing would not be any better if I threw up, nor does it induce such feelings.  I don't exactly know how else to explain it, so that's what you get.

With that said, it has only been 4 days since my first treatment so my symptoms could become worse than they are at present.  The first few days were rough because I came down with a raging fever.  The doctor's weren't too worried because I was keeping down liquids (even though water tasted so so gross to me and didn't settle too well on my stomach) and not enough time had passed for them to be concerned I had an infection.  A high fever is a sign of infection, so if I have a fever over 100.5 I need to call in. They told me to just keep taking tylenol and if my symptoms became worse to go into the ER.  Luckily the fever broke after about a day and a half and now I'm fine.  I have heard of this happening to other cancer patients after their first chemo treatment.  Think about it, they inject you with a drug that not only kills the bad cancer cells, but also all other fast growing cells.  Your body see's it as poison and tries to fight it off, I guess I could see this as a good thing that my body is fighting.  I was lucky to have Tim with me Friday night when the fever got up to 102.7.  I woke up at 3 am feeling as though I was standing in a furnace.  He stayed with me and held my hand until I fell asleep around 6.  He takes good care of me.

Saturday morning I was feeling much better and came back up to Logan.  I was able to go to all three hours of church on sunday proceeded by a 2 hour nap...lots of drugs makes you tired! And today has been great so far!  I don't think this will be as bad as I was expecting it to be, granted it could get worse, but as for now I am doing well.

Port and Chemo!!

Like I said in the last post I am done with radiation!  I got a port on monday, which according to some probably isn't a terrible procedure.  Ok ok it wasn't so bad, I just don't like not being in control of my body and having a big bandage on my collar bone for 3 days.  I will say though it was quite nice lying on the operating bed feeling so tired and just zonking out without any effort.  I was so relaxed for the rest of the day, I haven't felt that relaxed in weeks, thank you drugs!!

I always wanted to try this but have never had the opportunity until now.  When I was in recovery and since I was all hooked up to a heart monitor I wanted to test a curiosity I have had for some time.  I wanted to see if my heart rate would increase during a kiss. I asked ever so politely if Tim would kiss me and as he did, sure enough my heart rate went from the 60's to the 80's.  Ok so there were other factors too, they had given me caffeine to help wake me up because I was a little slow in waking.  However, I would like to accredit it to the kiss.

I did not go directly to my first chemo treatment after surgery in Logan, in fact I am doing treatments down at the Huntsman center in Salt Lake.  I was originally going to stay in Logan for all treatments and had everything set up for Logan.  I met with my doctor in Logan and told him I was going to stay and that we could get going with treatments.  During that visit he suggested again to get a second opinion at the Huntsman center.  I did so later that week and felt very strongly that Salt Lake is where I need to be.  There are a lot of things I have considered in making this decision, and I feel really good about it.

I had my first treatment yesterday (1/12/12).  I guess the understanding about doctors is always expect it to go longer than they told you.  I was in at 8 am and didn't get home until 12:30.  Because it was the first visit they did lab work, so they very conveniently accessed my newly implanted port and drew some blood.  Every time something goes through the port, they have to do a saline flush.  I can taste the saline in my mouth and at first it didn't bother me, but by the end started to make me a little gaggy. Yesterday they gave me two drugs separately.  The first was zomeda which is specifically designed to help my bones (update on the back brace below).  The actual infusion took about 30 min during which I watched an episode of psych, thanks to Tim who stole it from his sis ;)...let me rephrase that, thanks Steph.  Then the gross saline flush and onto the actual chemo, abraxane. This infusion took about 30-45 min, but I wasn't paying too close attention because I was trying to distract myself.  It doesn't hurt when the drug is going through the port, but I can feel that something is going in which isn't terribly comfortable.  It was nice to have my mom and Sue, my sister in law, there to talk to and take notes for me.  It is also nice staying with my sister in Salt Lake until I go back up to Logan.  Depending on how I feel, my plan is to go to treatments (on Thursday mornings) and then head back up to Logan on Friday or Saturday so I can be up for church on Sunday.  Im just going to play it by ear though.

One cycle of chemo for me goes as follows:
Once a week for 3 weeks, then one week off.
They will do 2 cycles of this before re-evaluating to see how effective it is. Keep in mind that there are dozens and dozens of chemo treatments depending on the individual diagnoses. This is what the doctors have decided specifically for me.

The side effects of abraxane are very manageable.  The most common are fatigue, alopecia (hair loss), nausea, and a foggy mind.  Whenever I think if chemo, I imagine someone throwing up all the time, lying in bed all day and not able to do much.  To contrary belief, I am told by my doctors/nurses that if this happens to me then something is wrong and I need to call because they now have medication that can fix these things.  Also that it is good to get out for 15-20 min a day and exercise.  I will be limited in my exercising abilities because I do have a back brace and pretty much all I can do now is walk.  I have built up in my mind that chemo is going to be awful and that I will be completely incapacitated for the next 4-6 months, however, I do not expect it will be as bad as I think.  You know me though, preparing for the worst possible scenario.

I met with an orthopedic doctor about my back.  The big question is, "How long will I be in this stupid thing?!"  The answer is that I will get an x-ray in one month so he can see how much it has improved.  Generally someone in this kind of brace wears it for about 3 months.  I have been in mine for just over a month, but my back has been feeling significantly better.  I'm hoping to get out of it as soon as possible, however I'll wear it as long as I need if that means protecting my back and a possible spinal chord injury. I'll keep you updated when I find out more.

So, I chopped my hair off and dyed it bleach blonde! Check out my facebook page for the pic.  It is more of a coping mechanism than anything because it will be a lot easier to say goodbye to this hair than my real hair, plus it is fun to look like a punk rocker :)

I am feeling ok now, but we'll see as the day/week progresses.  I hear that it gets worse after the first day, and by the end of the cycle, however, I am becoming a little more optimistic. I appreciate your prayers, thank you for all the generosity and kindness you have shown me and my family.  I know God is watching over you too.