Life Goes On

Isn’t that the truth?!  Some days you just chug along in hopes that night will come and morning will bring new light.  For a reason or reasons unknown to me, I feel to share the reality of my situation on a personal level. 

Every day is difficult.  I try to be positive and uplifting and convey hope to those around me, but that does not diminish the physical and emotional turmoil beneath the surface. With that said, I do not write this in a moment of distress in an attempt to gain pity; for those who are acquainted with me know how I despise “pity eyes.”  So, from a logical and emotionally stable standpoint, I explain some of the trials I face branched from the invasive onset of cancer.

I would find anyone naïve who assumes I am constantly happy and radiate hope.  I do not, even if that is what you believe.  What an easy and simple concept to understand yet so difficult to practice, especially when faced with a situation that dims and mystifies personal, long-term plans.  My pillow has been wetted with many tears in pondering my future, or rather absence of.  I have an incurable disease.  My life span is 1.5-6 years.  The hopeful perspective declares loudly in my mind that the number of years I am alive is insignificant because Gods promises will reach beyond the grave.  Yes I understand and believe this truth, however knowledge does not obliterate sorrow and suffering.  I have tools to be happy and overcome whatever depression dares approach, but that requires spiritual and emotional strength, which I do not always possess.  I am somewhat ashamed to admit that I have let despair get the best of me on more than one occasion. 

Despair is not a pleasant destination, yet a real consequence from decisions.  Aside from those suffering from mental illnesses, I am a firm believer that our state of mind is what we choose it to be.  Yes, I have chosen to entertain thoughts of despair when I felt I did not have the strength to maintain equilibrium.  I would not wish those feelings upon anyone; however, in those moments, I was taught the virtue of charity by those who so lovingly and angelically carried me.  Family and friends, and on occasion strangers, unknowingly reeled me back to reality.  On most occasions a note, a visit, a phone call or small token was received in answer to a pleading prayer for hope.  I want to thank all the angels who have been there for me when only God knew I needed uplifting.  I could not, cannot and have not faced this challenge alone.

 Elder Jeffrey R. Holland speaks more eloquently than myself when regarding angels among us, “When we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil…Heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind.”

Thank you to my angels.

On a medical note, everything is going well.  Big momma may lose the privilege of having the word "big" in her title if we continue on the same path.  I will meet with the doctor again in 2 months for a checkup and scans.

Big Momma Took a Hint!

She got the hint and shrunk a little, wahooooo!  She is still very much there, but at least we are seeing progress. As I met with my doctor this week I was curious as to how much she had grown/shrunk, here are the data:

August  4cm x 4cm
September 6cm x 5cm...what?!?!
October 4cm x 5.5cm

There you have it; looks like the lupron is working, however we are still waiting for my estrogen levels to drop. The last time they checked it was 440, and we want it down to 30. Wowza!  It's a good thing I am friends with several post-menopausal women who can give me pointers.  That's a big drop but we are hopeful it will happen within the next few weeks.  The side effects still haven't been too bad, but will get worse as they dry up my estrogen production and my ovaries are shut down.  When I am to that point I will start another hormonal therapy in supplement to the lupron, in the form of a pill.  This drug is only effective in post-menopausal women, which is why I have not started it yet.  Keep your fingers crossed that this drug will work, at least for a while.  It is typically effective for about one to two years before your body stops responding.  At that point I have other options, but we'll cross that bridge when it comes.

Thank you for your prayers, thoughts, phone calls and visits.  It is nice to know that people care and that I have such an amazing support system.  I feel peace in my life right now regarding my health.  I don't know how things are going to turn out, but I have faith that God will take care of me.  Like I have said before, my life is in God's hands; the best place to be.

Big Momma Doesn't Take a Hint

I am sorry to announce that big momma is growing (the tumor in my breast).  I found out last week and am actually at the Huntsman Center right now waiting for yet another bone and CT scan.  For some reason they scheduled them a couple of hours apart, so I figured this would be perfect blog-updating time.

I haven't had any symptoms other than fatigue, which has been my constant companion these days, so I wouldn't have guessed anything was wrong.  Apparently the tamoxifen (estrogen blocker) just wasn't enough for my estrogen producing body.  I had two options placed before me: chemo or lupron.  Before diving back into my weekly dose of poison, I would wanted to try something different, so I chose the latter.

Lupron is a shot I will receive, in my hip, once every 3 months that will put me into short-term menopause.  In other words, my body will not produce any estrogen for big momma to feed off of.  Along with the shot I will continue taking tamoxifen or another hormonal therapy in the form of a shot or pill.  This treatment can, and hopefully will, shrink the tumor.  I will be on it as long as it is effective and the side effects (hot flashes, bone weakness, and mood changes to name a few) are tolerable.  When/if it stops working then my options are chemo or clinical trials.

With everything that has happened, I feel peace.  I am not afraid.  I have found that the only times I do not feel peace are when I let my own fears override what I feel and know deep down.  I know that my life is in God's hands and whatever happens is His will.  Sometimes it is difficult to accept what He has planned for me, but then I remember He knows the end from the beginning and I am more safe following His path than my own.  From talking with friends and family, I don't know how I would handle this situation if I were on the other end of things.  I have found it much easier to go through something firsthand than to watch someone you love suffer.  Thank you to all who have been a support through all of this.  I am simply awkward and don't know what to say when it comes to comforting people in these kinds of situations, so thank you.  I know this is bad news, but don't worry; I am happy and moving forward!  Keep praying that God's will be done, and I know we will all have an easier time dealing with whatever comes next.



p.s. If it is any consolation, I got a fortune cookie last night at a friends wedding that said, "You will live a long and prosperous life."  Those Chinese sure know what they're talking about.

Lookin' Good

I can't believe that I am sitting down today, the day after I got the latest test results, updating my blog.  This never happens!  I figured you have waited long enough, goodness sake my last entry was over a month ago.  Proof that I am no blogger.

I had a bone and CT scan this week and when I met with the doctor yesterday he said there were no new tumors! Hooray!  The CT came back fine with just the tumor in my breast, but the bone scan is more difficult to read because cancer in the bone and healed bone from cancer look exactly the same. The good news is that there were no new spots on the bone scan (except for a possible broken toe due to my fight with the coffee table...).  My back is probably 95% better which is a fairly accurate indicator that the cancer is no longer there.  Believe me, if there was another spot in my bones, I'd feel it.

The tumor in my breast is about the same size if not smaller than before. The measurement is not very accurate from a CT, but we're pretty sure it is not any bigger.  I will continue taking tamoxifen and going in for infusion once every few months for zomeda, the bone strengthener.  Like I have mentioned before, compared with chemotherapy, I hardly feel any side effects from the tamoxifen and zomeda.  My energy level has not fully recovered, but I have been working out, hiking and most importantly throwing the nieces and nephews around without inuring myself.

Several people asked me if I was nervous for these test results, and my answer was, "no." Since I was diagnosed with cancer, I have had certain impressions about what would happen.  I have been following my gut feeling all along and so far it has been pretty accurate.  I didn't feel any stress or worry going in this week, but rather a peaceful feeling that everything was going as it should and that things would be ok.  I think the worst of it is over for the time being.  Sure it might come back down the road, but I feel that for now it is under control.  Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers!  My testimony of prayers has grown significantly these past months largely because I have been the recipient of so much faith and prayers of others.  I have been lifted up and supported by so many people and the only way I know to thank you all is to pay it forward by treating others as you have treated me. I guess that is how it should be, cancer or not.  We are God's hands here on earth and should always be taking care of each other, it just took cancer for me to realize that.

Feeling great!

To start off, the main reason I do not update my blog frequently is usually because not much is going on...that's a good thing.  So if you're wondering how I am doing and haven't heard for a while, just assume I am improving.

I am doing much better.  I have been done with chemo for a while now, thus my energy level has increased and I am able to be more physically active.  I went hiking twice last week, once with my 6 year old nephew Tanner, who ran down probably 1/3 of trail.  The great part about this story is that I kept up! Wahooo!  One of the worst feelings is chasing after kids and not being able to catch up with them even though you are exerting every ounce of energy, seriously!  I'm getting back into the groove though and making up for lost time, which equals lots of extra teasing.

Onto the medical inquiries.  I met with my doctor last week and he said everything is looking good.  The main indicator of how I am doing however, is how I am feeling.  I am super conscious of everything going on with my body, no ache or pain goes unnoticed.  I will continue to go in for infusion once a month for zomeda (for my bones-not chemo) and I will have a CT and bone scan the end of July.  The next time I will meet with my doctor will be right after the tests; to get the results.  I am still taking tomaxifen and will be for as long as it is working.  If for some reason it stops working, I qualified for a study which would begin this fall.  Cross your fingers that I won't have to take an experimental drug, but that the tomaxifen will continue to take effect.  I met with a genetic counsellor two weeks ago and am waiting for those test results which will take a few more weeks.

Funny bald moment:  I tend my sisters kids while she teaches violin on Wednesdays and while walking down the stairs (without my wig on) during one of her lessons, the younger sister looks at me and says, "Are you the mommy or the daddy?"  Her mom was appalled, but I just laughed and kept walking.  I left that one for Dre to explain, but at least I got a good laugh out of it.  I guess to a 5 year old, a bald person wearing jeans, a sweatshirt and chacos could be gender neutral.  I love that children are so honest, they just don't have filters...maybe that's why I relate so well.

I'll let you know when I find out about the genetic test, in the meantime, just assume I am doing well!

p.s. Does anyone have a remedy to be able to sleep better?  I have a difficult time falling asleep at night, and I wake up long before I would like. I'll try anything!

p.s.s  I am also looking for a car. Something small under 100K miles within $5000.  If you hear of anything, give me a shout. Thanks!

Done with chemo!

The moment you have all been waiting for...I am done with chemo!!! Well, for now.  I met with my doctor Thursday and he told me I could do chemo for one more month if I wanted (like I would want to do that!) or I could switch over to hormonal therapy (tamoxifen).  We looked at the images from 3 of my CT scans and he showed me how much the tumor in my breast had shrunk over time.  The reason he gave me the choice to be done with chemo or not is because the shrinkage from the last scan was minimal.  If I were to do one more month of chemo it would probably still shrink a little, but in the long run it wouldn't make that much of a difference.  So I chose tamoxifen. Yay!

Tamoxifen is hormonal therapy.  What the heck does that mean? If you want a more detailed description you can check out this website (It is a simple Q&A): http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Therapy/tamoxifen.
If you don't want to go there I will sum it up. Your type of cancer is either estrogen receptor positive or negative.  Mine is positive, hence I am eligible for tamoxifen.  It will block the estrogen receptors in my breast which should shrink the tumor, but at a much slower rate than chemo.  Tamoxifen acts against the effects of estrogen in the breast tissue but acts as estrogen in other parts of the body putting me at a higher risk of endometrial cancer and uterine sacroma. That's a let down. Other possible side effects are hot flashes (which I have already been experiencing...I'm sorry to you menopausal women out there, it stinks!), blood clots, stroke, and birth defects if I were to become pregnant.  There are others such as fatigue, headaches and nausea, but are less common.  Throughout radiation and chemo I have experienced many symptoms of pregnancy and menopause, but without having a baby or actually experiencing menopause, oh what I have to look forward to!

The next question most people ask is, "What about your hair?"  It should start to grow back in 6 weeks to 3 months.  I think I will keep my head shaved until it starts to grow in a little thicker, plus it is summer and hot outside.  I don't mind being bald, but when it starts to grow in all thin and wispy, I look into the mirror and see a cancer patient.  I have been more brave lately and gone out in public bald.  The other day my mom and I were walking into Walmart as a hispanic looking man in a truck pulled close to us.  He rolled his window down and said, with a thick accent, "I don't mean to be disrespectful or anything, but I really like the way you look with your head and everything."  We got a kick out of it and laughed our way into the store.  I guess some people like the bald look!

After all this, I do not really feel relieved.  The doctor said that it is very likely the cancer will act up within 6 months-2 years.  I feel  like I won this battle, but there is more to face.  This will a loom over me as long as I live.  I am not in the clear but things are looking good for now and I am feeling much much better than I have the past few months. As far as I know I won't have surgery, but will continue on with the tamoxifen for as long as it is working.  It is usually about 5 years, but differs case to case.

There is not much more to say than I have already said.  My life is in God's hands.  I have learned to enjoy life a little more and to live in the moment instead of planning years ahead.  I find joy in the little things, and I am finding out what is most dear to me.  Unfortunately it took cancer for me to realize some things, but at least I realized them and can now continue to move forward with more purpose than I have ever knew I had.

An end in sight???

I can see light at the end of the tunnel!  Depending on how my CT scan goes this Thursday, I may only have one more chemotherapy treatment left. And, depending on how my appointment goes with the spine doctor, I may be permanently out of my back brace!

Now with that said, I will expect to have one more month of chemo and have to stay in my brace a little longer just so I don't get my hopes up.  I am so used to bad news so this seems too good to be true.  I guess it's about time for something good to happen...meaning for this cancer to go away; many many good things have happened over the past months.

I have been feeling a lot more tired lately.  These drugs are definitely working because I get winded walking up stairs and zofran (anti-nausea) is becoming a little less effective over time.  My body has been through a lot and I feel as though my energy is being sucked away from me.  It is more difficult to focus and sleeping is still an issue.  I finally got sleeping pills, but sometimes that doesn't do the trick.  If I could have 3 wishes, being able to sleep through every night for a week would certainly be included.  Maybe this is just a glimpse of the future and what it will be like when I am a mom and have a baby who doesn't like to sleep through the night.  I guess don't have much room to complain though, I have still managed to stay active through this all.  Meaning I have not been completely bedridden.

I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that I may not be going in for weekly treatments anymore, although it has to come to an end sometime.  I will still be taking medication, hormonal therapy, but it comes in pill form and there are very few side effects.  My hair will start to grow back sometime within 6 weeks to 3 months.  This is also weird to me because I am so used to being bald and "putting on" my hair in the mornings.  Bald chicks are sexy! I guess I can get used to hair again.  I could get used to running again too, and hiking and lots of other things I have not been able to do for a while.  I can't wait!